Big Personality

Dan died a few weeks ago.  Hopefully in his sleep.        

He was a strange combination of phantom figure and happy-go-lucky sidekick.  Working-class tennis player, elegant and handsome, but a little rough around the edges, gay but also running away from whatever "gay" means, while running toward self-destruction and loneliness.  A laugh riot, but he could also turn the meanest nastiest gaze on you, and his fury could get so concentrated and petty you would have to block him out just to stay on this side of sane. 

Big personality, like gameshow-host big, stand-up-comedian big, but also someone always on the outskirts of where he was, and where he wanted to be.  I don't think he ever found a place where he wanted to be actually, hell, where he could be.  Existence for him was fraught with dangers and connections he never spoke about.  Just acted from.  There was a personal mystery he was involved in, on the other side of what he could show people, and I think sometimes he got lost in his own apartment, his own head, to the point that frustration would set in, and he would need to lash out angrily just to know he was still alive.

But I did appreciate him for all he was.  I loved him like a brother.  The way he haunted the art openings we had at Thunder-Sky, his cynical takes on all things pretentious, his love of down and dirty pop culture, his sweetness masking that mysterious hurt.  He was also kindhearted.  Always volunteered to help out, always willing to listen even if he usually mocked what you had to say.  That laugh he had, so boisterous it seemed to come from another planet where he was King.

One story that sticks with me:  

A bunch of us were hanging out at Edgar's place, drinking a little, and someone turned on the TV and it was Queer as Folk.  Dan kept telling all of us how much he hated Queer as Folk.  That it was a bunch of bullshit.  So fucking phony!  His fury was getting the best of him, all because he did not want to watch that show, and I think it was obviously because he wanted the show to be closer to the truth for him, but at the same time I was thinking it's a stupid gay dramedy on Showtime.  It's camp.  Of course, it's phony.  Of course, it's stupid, but that doesn't mean that it's not fun to watch.  I think I even told him that, but it only pissed him off even more.  

And as we continued to watch he continued to grow more frustrated and loud and finally he stood up off the couch and told us all that he was fucking leaving.  It was a pronouncement from that aforementioned planet he was King of.  And I'm thinking wow.  What a weirdo, but also I kind of respected him in a way for taking a stand because I understood a little of what he was mad about.  The gay guys on Queer as Folk were all shiny happy people; they had great apartments and one of them had a mom who loved her gay son so much she got a job at a gay diner to be near him.  Etc, etc.  But it was also just a TV show, right?  

The rage on Dan's face as he departed was so pure it scared all of us.  He slammed the door, and it shook the damn walls.  We all looked at each other like Jesus Christ what a freak.  

A few minutes later, though, the door opened, and it was Dan looking a little sheepish.  In his Queer as Folk frenzy, he'd forgotten he'd left his car-keys on the coffee-table.  He swooped in and grabbed them, and all of us just burst out laughing.  Dan included.

We turned the channel so he would stay.